(Un)Popular Opinion | My heart couldn’t help but ache a little when I came across a post that seemed all too familiar to me (and most Asian kids) about a boy being berated in public by his aunt.
In case you missed it, I’m referring to a local comic artist recounting how he confronted a woman who called her own nephew a ‘loser’ in public during a book signing session.
Seeing what this boy went through immediately brought me back to my childhood, where my most searing memories involved a lot of yelling, teasing, and me trying to act strong in the face of it all.
Learning to function dysfunctionally
I grew up in a family where words of endearment weren’t exactly the norm; in fact, less-than-pleasant and abrasive words were often screamed at me when things got a little heated.
While I won’t repeat those words in verbatim, my brain back then was developed enough to know that it wasn’t spoken out of love, but rather out of anger simmering beneath the surface.
Though the screaming decreased when I got older, I was still subjected to multiple instances of hurtful and flippant remarks being thrown my way from my parents over personal issues I struggled greatly with.
In fact, whenever tears poured out of my eyes as I tried to convey how much I was hurting inside, my mum would often retort, “Stop being so dramatic! You think you’re the only one suffering meh?”
Over time, the notion of refusing to cry in the face of hardship became so ingrained in me that I told myself not to show any emotion whenever possible and to bottle everything inside.
Yet, I realised that by doing so, I was slowly losing bits and pieces of myself. I lost the ability to trust people. I began to have a bitter and jaded outlook of life. And, as a classic coping mechanism, I turned my trauma into dark jokes — all of which were super unhealthy in retrospect.
Why say it if you “don’t mean it”?
While Westerners bristle at the thought of mean words being hurled towards them, Asians, on the other hand, embrace it like it’s second nature. In fact, it has become such a well-known fact that it often serves as the basis of many jokes.
However, behind the roars of laughter that ensue whenever such jokes are made, we fail to notice the damage done to one’s self-esteem whenever they’re being talked down by the very ones they look up to.
In fact, research has suggested that those who suffer from years of verbal and emotional abuse are at a higher risk of delinquent behavior, depression, aggression, conduct disorders, substance use, and anger.
Asian parents also have this habit of brushing aside snide remarks they make by saying, “Aiya, it was just a joke lah! Why so serious?” But why even say it in the first place if you claim it wasn’t your intention to insult?
There’s a verse in the Bible that goes, “The tongue has the power of life and death”, which is a poignant reminder of how much good and damage a single organ can do in mere seconds. Even the secular world has a phrase that goes, “If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything.”
If such polarising sides can agree on this one thing, why are some parents refusing that it’s wrong of them to talk to their children like dirt?
Break the cycle
While I’m fully aware of the fact that the older folks were brought up in much tougher times than my generation did, it still doesn’t justify the act of degrading one’s own children in the name of “character development”.
Parents are supposed to be pillars of support, not agents of trauma. Calling your own flesh and blood “useless”, “stupid”, and “loser” will only push them to the edge and destroy the one thing that holds society together — relationships.
Looking back on my own childhood, I’ve made it a point to not treat my future kids the same way I was treated. Instead, I’ve purposed in my heart that I’ll love and discipline them in a manner that builds them up, not tears them down.
My only hope is that other parents share the same view as I do and break this vicious cycle within their family before it’s too late.
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